Faded Out

Mind will latch on to anything to feel (and sound) special.

Any story, quality or ability, real or imagined, anything at all.

Truth matters for naught in the equation:
” I am special.”

The feeling of specialness
fogs the background of experience,
pre-extant to examination,
needing no justification,
simply obvious, as in:
“I’m so obviously special,
it doesn’t even need a reason !”

Narcissus never had it so good.

The flip side of specialness appears
as the equally pathological gloom of
” No one is as bad as I am !”
or ” I’ll never be happy enough !”

The thought-emotion of I-am-special operates for much of life, giving rise to entitlement, victimhood, arrogance, offense and blame.

An awakening experience doesn’t necessarily nullify
this dualistic tendency – here it didn’t even budge.

No matter how many nondual writers/speakers mention “ordinariness”,
it all sounded inscrutable, if not a little disingenuous.

” Hey, aren’t you supposed to be ‘awake’ ?
Not many of those around, right ?
What do you mean you feel ordinary ?!? ”

And so on, went this mind.

It actually worsened after the awakening experience, as certainty arose that awakening was a very special variety of experience indeed.

“How often does THIS happen ?!
! Way Cool !”

Awakening became an imaginary possession,
and although “no one” possessed it,
the missing “I” somehow made it even more special.

Years later, after much reduction in this sense of spiritual hauteur,
an odd flavor pervaded experience – the flavor of “ordinary”.

It came softly as a cat’s pawstep.

Too tiny to notice, at first.

Only found a label for it after a few days.

Life since feels simpler.
Agenda-less.
Ad hoc.
Unspecial.

Another layer of identification dissolved spontaneously.

Special is another name for pride.

The unspoken formula of pride is “I am better then he/she/them.”

What’s left here, the utterly ordinary : ” ‘ I ‘ am just as him/her/them”;
also known as humility.

What an unspeakable relief to set down the burden of “the special” !

Nothing left to prove.

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