Faded Out

Mind will latch on to anything to feel (and sound) special.

Any story, quality or ability, real or imagined, anything at all.

Truth matters for naught in the equation:
” I am special.”

The feeling of specialness
fogs the background of experience,
pre-extant to examination,
needing no justification,
simply obvious, as in:
“I’m so obviously special,
it doesn’t even need a reason !”

Narcissus never had it so good.

The flip side of specialness appears
as the equally pathological gloom of
” No one is as bad as I am !”
or ” I’ll never be happy enough !”

The thought-emotion of I-am-special operates for much of life, giving rise to entitlement, victimhood, arrogance, offense and blame.

An awakening experience doesn’t necessarily nullify
this dualistic tendency – here it didn’t even budge.

No matter how many nondual writers/speakers mention “ordinariness”,
it all sounded inscrutable, if not a little disingenuous.

” Hey, aren’t you supposed to be ‘awake’ ?
Not many of those around, right ?
What do you mean you feel ordinary ?!? ”

And so on, went this mind.

It actually worsened after the awakening experience, as certainty arose that awakening was a very special variety of experience indeed.

“How often does THIS happen ?!
! Way Cool !

Awakening became an imaginary possession,
and although “no one” possessed it,
the missing “I” somehow made it even more special.

Years later, after much reduction in this sense of spiritual hauteur,
an odd flavor pervaded experience – the flavor of “ordinary”.

It came softly as a cat’s pawstep.

Too tiny to notice, at first.

Only found a label for it after a few days.

Life since feels simpler.
Agenda-less.
Ad hoc.
Unspecial.

Another layer of identification dissolved spontaneously.

Special is another name for pride.

The unspoken formula of pride is “I am better then he/she/them.”

What’s left here, the utterly ordinary : ” ‘ I ‘ am just as him/her/them”;
also known as humility.

What an unspeakable relief to set down the burden of “the special” !

Nothing left to prove.

************************************************************

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About dominic724

A former seeker starts blogging.
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4 Responses to Faded Out

  1. This is very nice, Dom. Thanks. I’ve been working with a chunk of this–I’ll write you about to.

  2. About IT!!! IPad auto correct…

  3. ronyared8 says:

    And the “mind” continues to want to make things more special than they are. Yet in its simplicity and beauty – the moment is far more special than the mind can imagine. Dominic, you are a wordsmith!

  4. nondoodle says:

    How lovely to come across your blog.
    May you find some warmness in my doodled scribbles of plaY.
    i welcome you to share my link where/if appropriate. That would be lovelY.
    http://nondoodle.com

    Blessings
    dan

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