A hallmark of the dream life: this self did not forgive. Every harm, real or imagined, every thoughtless comment or remark spoken in anger, disparaging quip or off-handed criticism was recorded enthusiastically for later playback.

What playback ! Scores of repetitions, hundreds even, of the merest unkindness dissected like a fetal pig in high school Biology lab. Every nuance, the unpleasant tone, the mean-spirited  intent, all of it dwelt upon,  excruciatingly revisited, just in case some small aspect of malevolence had been overlooked. Very important to take it all in, to know the fullness of hard-heartedness held against me.

Grudges simply meant that I was paying attention, and had a good memory.

I held grudges for years. Even from a conventional point of view, the object of the grudge could not have remembered the off-hand comment or whatever had started the grudge perception. No matter. That thing that they said/did/didn’t say/didn’t do shows WHO THEY REALLY ARE. I must remember it very well.

Buddhist emptiness practices provided great assistance in daily living with this heavy, grudge-prone mind. Seeing each experience dissolved into it’s constituents helped relieve the burden of unforgiveness.

Lovingkindness practices brought in some warmth and kindheartedness where there had been little before.

The waking up event evaporated the self that held grudges. The dark Vault of Sorrows, storing mistreatment and injustices, burned away like a morning fog.

No doer left.

Awakening may offer the ultimate way to simplify.

Dark tendencies still appear, now and then.

Streamers of the foggy past,
held in the clear light of awareness,
evaporate spontaneously.

No one forgiving.
No one to forgive.

So much less to keep track of !


For more on forgiveness:

The fog shadow pic comes courtesy of this site:

The vault pic is from here:

Gomez Adams’ stock ticker pic from here:

About dominic724

A former seeker starts blogging.
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